You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
