i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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