Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
