i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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