I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
