What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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