Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
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It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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