Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
