U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
