YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
