wakey wakey hands off snakey
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
