Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
