Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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