remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
