It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
