she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
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The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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