So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
