dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
A+ Viking dick
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
