I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
