I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
