my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
