Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
