Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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