Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
