I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she pinky promised me she was 18
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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