Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
