ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
