me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
