i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
