Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
