before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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