you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
