Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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