so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
