i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
