I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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