Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
