omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
