home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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