And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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