Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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