That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
