Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
