If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You work out of a Hotel?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
