Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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