So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
