i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
