Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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