Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
