I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
