Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
