Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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