my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
