She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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