Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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