You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
