You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
