did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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